This morning an amazing thing happened...I reached my goal weight--officially on the scale at the doctor's office! This means that I am approved for gastric bypass surgery and have my surgery date, a little over a month from now!
It still feels a bit surreal. I feel like it has been so long that I have been thinking about this surgery, considering it, researching it, preparing for it... I can hardly believe it's actually going to happen in just a few weeks.
I got a new digital scale to use at home last week. From the beginning I was sceptical, because the weights it was telling me seemed too good to be true. But it kept going down, day by day, so I figured that even if the actual number wasn't correct, it would be able to tell if I had lost anything.
Last Wednesday at the support group I was weighed and had just 4 lbs left to lose, so I decided I would try to lose that in a week and go in for a morning weigh-in. Well, the goal set by my surgeon was 301 lbs, and this morning I weighed in at 298.5. That means I lost almost 6 lbs in a week. And lest you think I was crash dieting, let me assure you, I was not. I got my daily exercise, and I stuck to my eating plan for the most part (I may have tripped up and had some sugar once or twice), I drank my water and prayed that I would make goal, and it worked.
So, I got an EKG, some blood work, and was able to meet with the consulting nurse (she squeezed me in instead of making me come back next week--thank goodness!). She scheduled me for my surgery and the rest of my pre-op appointments, after grilling me about my diet and "bariatric lifestyle changes."
I really wanted my surgery for the last week in August, so I would have Labor Day weekend to recover before school starts up again (did I mention I'm a grad student?). Amazingly, I was able to get the last appointment left for my Surgeon for August, on the last Tuesday, which gives me a full 7 days to recover before classes begin. I was also able to get all my pre-op appointments scheduled on the same day. It will suck to be at the hospital all day long, but great to only have to make one trip and one day off work.
I got the referral to the bariatric surgery program from my primary doctor last November. When we talked about it, she said it could be a year before I could actually have the surgery. At that point a year seemed so long to wait, especially after I had spent so long on my own researching the surgery and considering my options. Now, it won't be a year, more like 9 months from start to finish, and it has gone by so freaking fast!
I know that some of the people at the support group or on the email list I belong to are right at the beginning of the process, where I was in November, and they are feeling discouraged and impatient, just like I was, but I feel so much hope for them, because once they make the decision to do this, the time and hard work really does fly by. Perhaps someone is reading this blog and is at that stage. To you I say, you can do it. you really can. Just make the decision that this is what you want for your life, and it will be easier than you think.
And if anyone is reading this, leave me a comment, OK? Just so I know you're out there.
Thursday, July 19, 2007
Monday, July 16, 2007
progress
So, this morning a friend asked me if I have been busy posting on this, my "super secret blog," and I realized that I have not--I've been quite a slacker, in fact. So, I apologize, if anyone is actually reading. My lack of blogging does not, thankfully, indicate a lack of progress on the weight loss front.
As you can see from the ticker at the bottom of the page, I have lost 43 lbs since I started keeping track (last November, when I was weighed at my primary care doctor's office).
The strange thing about losing weight when you are really big to begin with is that it's hard to tell. I can hardly believe I've lost that much already, because when I look in the mirror, I don't see that much of a change.
That's not entirely true, I do see something, but I'm never really sure if I'm just imagining that I look smaller or my face is thinner. I live in fear that somehow I have been tricking the scales at the doctor's office, and will be found out!
The way I really know that I have lost some weight is in my clothes. Several pairs of pants are too big for me now, and I went shopping the other day and bought several things in smaller sizes than usual. I have worn the same size for over ten years, so it is very strange to buy smaller clothes. I don't entirely trust them, even when I've tried them on and they've fit. Funny how easy it is to believe bad things about our selves and how hard to believe good things!
In the surgery front, at last week's support group, I weighed in at 305 lbs, which is just 4 lbs away from my goal weight! I really really want to reach my goal this week--I'll have to make a special appointment to get weighed at the doc's office to prove I've made goal, and then I'll be able to schedule my surgery and all the appointments that one needs right before the surgery.
I can not wait until I get my surgery date. Then it will all begin to feel more real. I've only recently begun saying and thinking things like, "when I'm thin," and "if I get that small..." and my friends are so wonderful and supportive, saying "you will be!" I worry that they are bored and annoyed with hearing about my weight loss journey, but they don't let on if they are.
OK, so if you've read this far, I thank you for reading, and ask for your prayers. I'm joining a gym, paying off my credit cards, and getting rid of tons of old clothes and clutter. I really feel lie I'm taking charge of my life and making it what I want it to be. So, thanks for coming along for the ride!
As you can see from the ticker at the bottom of the page, I have lost 43 lbs since I started keeping track (last November, when I was weighed at my primary care doctor's office).
The strange thing about losing weight when you are really big to begin with is that it's hard to tell. I can hardly believe I've lost that much already, because when I look in the mirror, I don't see that much of a change.
That's not entirely true, I do see something, but I'm never really sure if I'm just imagining that I look smaller or my face is thinner. I live in fear that somehow I have been tricking the scales at the doctor's office, and will be found out!
The way I really know that I have lost some weight is in my clothes. Several pairs of pants are too big for me now, and I went shopping the other day and bought several things in smaller sizes than usual. I have worn the same size for over ten years, so it is very strange to buy smaller clothes. I don't entirely trust them, even when I've tried them on and they've fit. Funny how easy it is to believe bad things about our selves and how hard to believe good things!
In the surgery front, at last week's support group, I weighed in at 305 lbs, which is just 4 lbs away from my goal weight! I really really want to reach my goal this week--I'll have to make a special appointment to get weighed at the doc's office to prove I've made goal, and then I'll be able to schedule my surgery and all the appointments that one needs right before the surgery.
I can not wait until I get my surgery date. Then it will all begin to feel more real. I've only recently begun saying and thinking things like, "when I'm thin," and "if I get that small..." and my friends are so wonderful and supportive, saying "you will be!" I worry that they are bored and annoyed with hearing about my weight loss journey, but they don't let on if they are.
OK, so if you've read this far, I thank you for reading, and ask for your prayers. I'm joining a gym, paying off my credit cards, and getting rid of tons of old clothes and clutter. I really feel lie I'm taking charge of my life and making it what I want it to be. So, thanks for coming along for the ride!
Wednesday, June 13, 2007
Surgeon Appointment
I had my appointment with the surgeon on Friday. He was very nice and encouraging. He said I am a great candidate for a successful WLS, and that I am a low risk patient! I guess in his line of work, the standards for risk are different from other surgeons.
The great news was, I lost 15 lbs since my last weigh-in, which was at orientation on May 1!! I honestly could not believe it when I saw the scale. In a later post, I'll tell you what I've been doing to lose the weight.
The big thing about the appointment with the surgeon is that he tells you how much you have to lose before you can have surgery--we call this your pre-surgery goal weight, or, goal for short: "I'm x pounds away from goal!"
The exciting thing was that he told me my goal is 301, which means that on Friday I was eleven pounds away from my goal! Once you reach goal, you can schedule your surgery date, and it could be a matter of weeks before you have the surgery.
My aim is to get to goal as soon as possible (of course), and then schedule my surgery for late August or Early September. I just can't afford to have it this summer, what with my various trips and work schedule, but I figure if I have it right at the beginning of the school year, I will only have to miss a week or so of class, at the most. The surgeon said that I could probably go to class a few days after surgery, though I might not remember much!
The great news was, I lost 15 lbs since my last weigh-in, which was at orientation on May 1!! I honestly could not believe it when I saw the scale. In a later post, I'll tell you what I've been doing to lose the weight.
The big thing about the appointment with the surgeon is that he tells you how much you have to lose before you can have surgery--we call this your pre-surgery goal weight, or, goal for short: "I'm x pounds away from goal!"
The exciting thing was that he told me my goal is 301, which means that on Friday I was eleven pounds away from my goal! Once you reach goal, you can schedule your surgery date, and it could be a matter of weeks before you have the surgery.
My aim is to get to goal as soon as possible (of course), and then schedule my surgery for late August or Early September. I just can't afford to have it this summer, what with my various trips and work schedule, but I figure if I have it right at the beginning of the school year, I will only have to miss a week or so of class, at the most. The surgeon said that I could probably go to class a few days after surgery, though I might not remember much!
Sunday, May 13, 2007
support
So, after that crazy screwed up conversation of last week, I have told most of my friends about it, editing for those who don't know about my WLS plans yet.
They have all been incredibly supportive, and the righteous anger has been intense! Thank God I have such a strong support system, made up of women of all sizes and ages. My thinnest friend was threatening violence against the offender, and that meant a lot. I have a few very slender friends who really seem to love and accept me and other fat girls just the way we are--no judging, no fat=bad comments, just tasty food and lots of love.
I wish all of us could have friends like that. On second thought, I wish everyone could be like that! Then maybe we wouldn't all have such body-image issues.
My friends and I have decided to do a toxic flush-type diet in June. Lots of veggies, no dairy or sugar or caffeine. The caffeine will be the hardest, I think. I'm not ready for that kind of headache, but I guess I will live, and I need to give up caffeine before my surgery anyway.
I have my consultation with the surgeon the second week in June, and I hope that after this toxic flush I will be down several more pounds, and therefore that much closer to meeting his pre-surgery goal for me, whatever that may be. I'm anticipating it will be around 30 lbs or so, from my initial program weigh-in. I lost about 13 pounds before that, which is good for me, but doesn't count for the pre-surgery qualifications. (aarrgh.)
They have all been incredibly supportive, and the righteous anger has been intense! Thank God I have such a strong support system, made up of women of all sizes and ages. My thinnest friend was threatening violence against the offender, and that meant a lot. I have a few very slender friends who really seem to love and accept me and other fat girls just the way we are--no judging, no fat=bad comments, just tasty food and lots of love.
I wish all of us could have friends like that. On second thought, I wish everyone could be like that! Then maybe we wouldn't all have such body-image issues.
My friends and I have decided to do a toxic flush-type diet in June. Lots of veggies, no dairy or sugar or caffeine. The caffeine will be the hardest, I think. I'm not ready for that kind of headache, but I guess I will live, and I need to give up caffeine before my surgery anyway.
I have my consultation with the surgeon the second week in June, and I hope that after this toxic flush I will be down several more pounds, and therefore that much closer to meeting his pre-surgery goal for me, whatever that may be. I'm anticipating it will be around 30 lbs or so, from my initial program weigh-in. I lost about 13 pounds before that, which is good for me, but doesn't count for the pre-surgery qualifications. (aarrgh.)
Wednesday, May 9, 2007
screwed up
Today a woman I work with decided that she needed me to help her get over her prejudice against fat people.
Our conversation was fucked up in a number of ways, as you can imagine, and I felt like I had no choice but to be calm and tell her what she wanted to know, rather than calling her on the incredible inappropriateness of the conversation. On the one hand, I realize that her negative assumptions about fat people have been challenged by knowing me--I am smart, confident, capable, mature, healthy, etc... and she is beginning to think that maybe she has been wrong and should not discriminate against people because of their size.
However, does that mean that I, one of the very people she is prejudiced against, should have the responsibility of educating her and changing her screwed up ideas (which no doubt have their roots in her own body issues)??
The worst part was that I felt like I had to tell her that I plan to have gastric bypass surgery, just to head her off in case she had the motive of trying to convince me to go on a diet. This pisses me off on many levels, not the least of which is that I felt like a traitor to fat women, and myself as a fat woman, and like I had to justify to her why I was fat and that I really was doing something about it. In a way, perhaps I confirmed her ideas that fat people cannot be happy and healthy and OK with who they are.
AAARRRGGGHHH!!
As if this whole weight loss journey wasn't complicated enough!
Does she have any idea how much effort, strength and courage it takes a fat woman in our society to succeed, do well, and earn respect? Of course not. If I really thought about the assumptions and judgements people make about me when they look at me, I wouldn't be able to function. In many ways, I have to ignore the fact that I'm fat while at the same time compensating for it by working harder and being better just to prove people wrong and get past their initial judgements. So, I really don't need someone to come to me, state the obvious ("hi, I noticed you are fat, please explain it to me!") and then expect me to take care of them through their process of changing their prejudice!
For a minute, I thought that I just shouldn't have the surgery, cause in a way, I'm proving them right--I don't want to be fat, therefore there is something inherently wrong with being fat. Which is really not the way I think, but how can you explain that to others?
Of course, my fat friends are very supportive, and agree that this woman was way out of line and that I handled the situation well. But it doesn't change the fact that now I feel crappy and sad and ashamed and can't concentrate on the things I really need to do (and do well) because I'm thinking about what other people think of me and my body.
Our conversation was fucked up in a number of ways, as you can imagine, and I felt like I had no choice but to be calm and tell her what she wanted to know, rather than calling her on the incredible inappropriateness of the conversation. On the one hand, I realize that her negative assumptions about fat people have been challenged by knowing me--I am smart, confident, capable, mature, healthy, etc... and she is beginning to think that maybe she has been wrong and should not discriminate against people because of their size.
However, does that mean that I, one of the very people she is prejudiced against, should have the responsibility of educating her and changing her screwed up ideas (which no doubt have their roots in her own body issues)??
The worst part was that I felt like I had to tell her that I plan to have gastric bypass surgery, just to head her off in case she had the motive of trying to convince me to go on a diet. This pisses me off on many levels, not the least of which is that I felt like a traitor to fat women, and myself as a fat woman, and like I had to justify to her why I was fat and that I really was doing something about it. In a way, perhaps I confirmed her ideas that fat people cannot be happy and healthy and OK with who they are.
AAARRRGGGHHH!!
As if this whole weight loss journey wasn't complicated enough!
Does she have any idea how much effort, strength and courage it takes a fat woman in our society to succeed, do well, and earn respect? Of course not. If I really thought about the assumptions and judgements people make about me when they look at me, I wouldn't be able to function. In many ways, I have to ignore the fact that I'm fat while at the same time compensating for it by working harder and being better just to prove people wrong and get past their initial judgements. So, I really don't need someone to come to me, state the obvious ("hi, I noticed you are fat, please explain it to me!") and then expect me to take care of them through their process of changing their prejudice!
For a minute, I thought that I just shouldn't have the surgery, cause in a way, I'm proving them right--I don't want to be fat, therefore there is something inherently wrong with being fat. Which is really not the way I think, but how can you explain that to others?
Of course, my fat friends are very supportive, and agree that this woman was way out of line and that I handled the situation well. But it doesn't change the fact that now I feel crappy and sad and ashamed and can't concentrate on the things I really need to do (and do well) because I'm thinking about what other people think of me and my body.
welcome
I need a new blog--an anonymous blog where I can talk about stuff relating to weight loss surgery and my preparation for it.
Hopefully this will suffice!
Hopefully this will suffice!
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