So, after that crazy screwed up conversation of last week, I have told most of my friends about it, editing for those who don't know about my WLS plans yet.
They have all been incredibly supportive, and the righteous anger has been intense! Thank God I have such a strong support system, made up of women of all sizes and ages. My thinnest friend was threatening violence against the offender, and that meant a lot. I have a few very slender friends who really seem to love and accept me and other fat girls just the way we are--no judging, no fat=bad comments, just tasty food and lots of love.
I wish all of us could have friends like that. On second thought, I wish everyone could be like that! Then maybe we wouldn't all have such body-image issues.
My friends and I have decided to do a toxic flush-type diet in June. Lots of veggies, no dairy or sugar or caffeine. The caffeine will be the hardest, I think. I'm not ready for that kind of headache, but I guess I will live, and I need to give up caffeine before my surgery anyway.
I have my consultation with the surgeon the second week in June, and I hope that after this toxic flush I will be down several more pounds, and therefore that much closer to meeting his pre-surgery goal for me, whatever that may be. I'm anticipating it will be around 30 lbs or so, from my initial program weigh-in. I lost about 13 pounds before that, which is good for me, but doesn't count for the pre-surgery qualifications. (aarrgh.)
Sunday, May 13, 2007
Wednesday, May 9, 2007
screwed up
Today a woman I work with decided that she needed me to help her get over her prejudice against fat people.
Our conversation was fucked up in a number of ways, as you can imagine, and I felt like I had no choice but to be calm and tell her what she wanted to know, rather than calling her on the incredible inappropriateness of the conversation. On the one hand, I realize that her negative assumptions about fat people have been challenged by knowing me--I am smart, confident, capable, mature, healthy, etc... and she is beginning to think that maybe she has been wrong and should not discriminate against people because of their size.
However, does that mean that I, one of the very people she is prejudiced against, should have the responsibility of educating her and changing her screwed up ideas (which no doubt have their roots in her own body issues)??
The worst part was that I felt like I had to tell her that I plan to have gastric bypass surgery, just to head her off in case she had the motive of trying to convince me to go on a diet. This pisses me off on many levels, not the least of which is that I felt like a traitor to fat women, and myself as a fat woman, and like I had to justify to her why I was fat and that I really was doing something about it. In a way, perhaps I confirmed her ideas that fat people cannot be happy and healthy and OK with who they are.
AAARRRGGGHHH!!
As if this whole weight loss journey wasn't complicated enough!
Does she have any idea how much effort, strength and courage it takes a fat woman in our society to succeed, do well, and earn respect? Of course not. If I really thought about the assumptions and judgements people make about me when they look at me, I wouldn't be able to function. In many ways, I have to ignore the fact that I'm fat while at the same time compensating for it by working harder and being better just to prove people wrong and get past their initial judgements. So, I really don't need someone to come to me, state the obvious ("hi, I noticed you are fat, please explain it to me!") and then expect me to take care of them through their process of changing their prejudice!
For a minute, I thought that I just shouldn't have the surgery, cause in a way, I'm proving them right--I don't want to be fat, therefore there is something inherently wrong with being fat. Which is really not the way I think, but how can you explain that to others?
Of course, my fat friends are very supportive, and agree that this woman was way out of line and that I handled the situation well. But it doesn't change the fact that now I feel crappy and sad and ashamed and can't concentrate on the things I really need to do (and do well) because I'm thinking about what other people think of me and my body.
Our conversation was fucked up in a number of ways, as you can imagine, and I felt like I had no choice but to be calm and tell her what she wanted to know, rather than calling her on the incredible inappropriateness of the conversation. On the one hand, I realize that her negative assumptions about fat people have been challenged by knowing me--I am smart, confident, capable, mature, healthy, etc... and she is beginning to think that maybe she has been wrong and should not discriminate against people because of their size.
However, does that mean that I, one of the very people she is prejudiced against, should have the responsibility of educating her and changing her screwed up ideas (which no doubt have their roots in her own body issues)??
The worst part was that I felt like I had to tell her that I plan to have gastric bypass surgery, just to head her off in case she had the motive of trying to convince me to go on a diet. This pisses me off on many levels, not the least of which is that I felt like a traitor to fat women, and myself as a fat woman, and like I had to justify to her why I was fat and that I really was doing something about it. In a way, perhaps I confirmed her ideas that fat people cannot be happy and healthy and OK with who they are.
AAARRRGGGHHH!!
As if this whole weight loss journey wasn't complicated enough!
Does she have any idea how much effort, strength and courage it takes a fat woman in our society to succeed, do well, and earn respect? Of course not. If I really thought about the assumptions and judgements people make about me when they look at me, I wouldn't be able to function. In many ways, I have to ignore the fact that I'm fat while at the same time compensating for it by working harder and being better just to prove people wrong and get past their initial judgements. So, I really don't need someone to come to me, state the obvious ("hi, I noticed you are fat, please explain it to me!") and then expect me to take care of them through their process of changing their prejudice!
For a minute, I thought that I just shouldn't have the surgery, cause in a way, I'm proving them right--I don't want to be fat, therefore there is something inherently wrong with being fat. Which is really not the way I think, but how can you explain that to others?
Of course, my fat friends are very supportive, and agree that this woman was way out of line and that I handled the situation well. But it doesn't change the fact that now I feel crappy and sad and ashamed and can't concentrate on the things I really need to do (and do well) because I'm thinking about what other people think of me and my body.
welcome
I need a new blog--an anonymous blog where I can talk about stuff relating to weight loss surgery and my preparation for it.
Hopefully this will suffice!
Hopefully this will suffice!
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