screwed up

Today a woman I work with decided that she needed me to help her get over her prejudice against fat people.

Our conversation was fucked up in a number of ways, as you can imagine, and I felt like I had no choice but to be calm and tell her what she wanted to know, rather than calling her on the incredible inappropriateness of the conversation. On the one hand, I realize that her negative assumptions about fat people have been challenged by knowing me--I am smart, confident, capable, mature, healthy, etc... and she is beginning to think that maybe she has been wrong and should not discriminate against people because of their size.

However, does that mean that I, one of the very people she is prejudiced against, should have the responsibility of educating her and changing her screwed up ideas (which no doubt have their roots in her own body issues)??

The worst part was that I felt like I had to tell her that I plan to have gastric bypass surgery, just to head her off in case she had the motive of trying to convince me to go on a diet. This pisses me off on many levels, not the least of which is that I felt like a traitor to fat women, and myself as a fat woman, and like I had to justify to her why I was fat and that I really was doing something about it. In a way, perhaps I confirmed her ideas that fat people cannot be happy and healthy and OK with who they are.

AAARRRGGGHHH!!

As if this whole weight loss journey wasn't complicated enough!

Does she have any idea how much effort, strength and courage it takes a fat woman in our society to succeed, do well, and earn respect? Of course not. If I really thought about the assumptions and judgements people make about me when they look at me, I wouldn't be able to function. In many ways, I have to ignore the fact that I'm fat while at the same time compensating for it by working harder and being better just to prove people wrong and get past their initial judgements. So, I really don't need someone to come to me, state the obvious ("hi, I noticed you are fat, please explain it to me!") and then expect me to take care of them through their process of changing their prejudice!

For a minute, I thought that I just shouldn't have the surgery, cause in a way, I'm proving them right--I don't want to be fat, therefore there is something inherently wrong with being fat. Which is really not the way I think, but how can you explain that to others?

Of course, my fat friends are very supportive, and agree that this woman was way out of line and that I handled the situation well. But it doesn't change the fact that now I feel crappy and sad and ashamed and can't concentrate on the things I really need to do (and do well) because I'm thinking about what other people think of me and my body.